Transformation Nearing Completion and thoughts on Motherhood.
Its been a hell of a day. As I sit hear, in tears, I can't decide i I am feeling sorry for myself, filled to the brim with frustration, or grateful for all in my life. I've been reading, almost religiously, Kelly Rae Roberts blog for several years now. She became a mother for the first time about 7 months ago. Her posts, naturally, are filled with the wonders of motherhood and also the the real fears that come along with being a new mom. As a Mom, I have relived, through her words, all my children's births, their firsts milestones, their first day of school....And yet, I say to you Kelly, nothing can prepare you for when you have to start letting go. My Claire, at 16, was diagnosed with Mono. While of course its not the end of the world, it feels like the end of her world to her. Swan Lake is everything to her and with performances next weekend, we are hoping and praying she can perform. The real back breaker though, was this afternoon. My 18 year old was in a car accident, her fault, that pretty much totaled her new car. As I raced to the scene, nothing could prepare me for the look on her face nor the flood of relief when I saw that she was not injured.
I wanted to strangle her but instead I grabbed her and held her tight as we both sobbed together. So much went through my mind. Every little giggle or smile or coo she made as an infant, her struggles all through school, her triumphant high school graduation, her happiness when we put a down payment on a new Honda Fit (which by the way has a high safety rating and I believe in any other small car the outcome may have been different) only 2 months ago, her first car accident last month..... Kelly Rae enjoy those precious moments....... So now on top of illness we all have this to deal with. I know I could have lost her, I know I have so much to be thankful for, I know...I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. And I'm feeling scared. How do I let her get back into this car? I have worried every time she goes off on her own and it seems my fears were justified. I always said if I could just get them through high school... Sigh, tomorrow is another day and I'll spend it one the phone but I'll survive.
After the accident happened and after dealing with the insurance company, I headed to my sanctuary. Here is where I am at on this mixed media collage. It is nearly done. Not only is it a work of love, it saved me tonight from a total melt down. The photo is from the iPhone 3Gs which isn't the best quality but I'm saving the scanner bed for the finished work. I'm probably going to do another glaze over the entire piece and add some sparkle on the dress to emphasize the magic of the moment. Her bodice is adorned with gems. The dress is 3-D because I used white tissue paper. So I am pleased where this piece led me. I totally worked intuitively having only a picture from a magazine of a dancer that I sketched. The rest just sort of happened. The background though, really set the mood and after the sketch, it just happened. There is a good chance that I will finish it tomorrow. Then I want to seal it, wire it and scan it (not necessarily in that order). I can't wait to give it to my twins ballet teacher. That will make my day, my week, my year.
k
5 comments:
oh i am empathize with you, with what you have written - i know how much it hurts to have children - i too have read KRR blog and when i do i think to myself you are only beginning the journey of extreme joy and pain - i think the baby years are the easy ones. my daughter who is 19 has been battling with bipolar this year, yesterday she spent the whole day studying for an exam that she thought was today - she has not had a good week. last night she come into the tv room and fell down in a heap on the floor in her confused state of mind she had got the days wrong and missed her exam. i was angry with her because it is going to be really hard to get her a sub exam, but my heart broke for her as she is trying so hard at university, i just held her in my arms and rocked her like she was my little baby again. the pain - boy oh boy, but the love........
I'm so glad your daughter survived the accident. Yes, it's tough being a mother but rewarding as well. You have created a beautiful piece-I find that creating while feeling sorrow often produces one's best work. There is something of a pouring our soul into our work I think. This will all pass and one day you will remember the time.
Hi Kathy, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have a 17 yr old daughter and a 19 yr old son and some days are so completely filled with worry for them I can't think straight. It was so much easier when they were small. I say the same thing about just getting them through the teenage years and everything will be fine. Hang in there. You are not alone in this!
And thank you for the kind words on my blog! :)
~Gina
Beautiful work, by the way. We are so lucky to be able to express ourselves through our art. It makes dealing with life a little better.
Oh my. I am so sorry Kathy. I feel your pain - not through experience, but you express yourself so well you have me in tears. I'm glad this time has passed for you (I'm reading this late) and that your tears have turned to joy x
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